Fickle Understanding

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding.” | Proverbs 3:5, NKJV

“Those who trust their own insight are foolish, but anyone who walks in wisdom is safe.” | Proverbs 28:26, NLT

I’ve noticed that I’ve measured my level of trust in the Lord against what I can easily perceive or conclude on my own. It’s actually easier for me to jump to my own conclusions, relying on my own understanding and interpretation of a situation or issue; rather than trust in the Lord and what He says or shows me. This also includes how I see myself vs. how God sees me. I’ve enthroned my own perception of how I see, knowing how fickle it is especially when lacking the confidence. And unfortunately, this has bled over into almost every area of my life - family, friends, children, marriage, work, church, etc. 

... But let’s be honest, I actually don’t even trust myself half of the time because of the level of intensity I subject myself to when I’m navigating or trying to process a situation or issue. It’s easiest for me to automatically count myself out and assume that people are counting me out as well. I question my own confidence and abilities a lot of the time.

I’ve recently been navigating this in the corporate workspace. I’ve allowed people to dictate the level of trust and confidence that I have in myself, even if they haven’t explicitly stated that they don’t trust me or that they lack confidence in me. Because what would actually happen if that type of feedback was shared with me? How would I navigate that? 

I made the choice to lean on my own understanding of the situation rather than seek the Lord for his guidance and His viewpoint. It’s like I can’t bring myself to sit with Him long enough to hear what He has to say. And that’s because I’ve psyched myself into believing He actually won’t say anything at all. I’ve psyched myself into believing that what He’d actually say to me would expose something in me that I’m not yet ready to confront head on. 

It’s also quite easy to psyche yourself into trusting yourself only when you use the “I” phrases for everything. It shows that you have a certain level or complete mistrust in the Lord. Because “I” can make something happen quicker even if it’s manufactured and built on fickle understanding. So this is where leaning into our own understanding keeps us bound … well let me speak for myself.

And it’s not like the Lord isn’t already privy to this information, these habits, and hindrances - He is All Knowing. He knows that I also have a hard time opening my hands in surrender and leaving them open, because leaning on my understanding is a place of safety and control for me. It’s a place of self-preservation … it’s a place where I know the outcome but on the other side of complete and total surrender, on the other side of trusting in the Lord with ALL my heart is the UNKNOWN. And I’m the gal that likes to KNOW IT ALL. I want the details, I want all possible outcomes and responses, I want all possible reactions and assumptions that could be made. I also want to be able to predict how it’ll make me feel! But, God does not work like that! It’s not only something I believe that He wants me to know, but it’s something that He wants me to Believe! It all starts with BELIEF, if I don’t believe it then I don’t see the value in it. And there is so much value in trusting in the Lord with every part of me - more than I could ever try to come up with on my own.

This thing hit me like a ton of bricks, especially with what I’m experiencing with work right now. And I so desperately want an OUT - like I just want to hand the work back lol. But there's also a part of me that's what to try and see it through, or at least to a certain point. Not from a place of pride, but because I'm aware that the type of work I do isn't always a cake walk in the park. Sometimes there are actually hard moments and difficult people.

The Lord commanded Joshua to be strong and courageous - but strength and courage is not something that I need to try and manufacture on my own. Strength and courage requires me to rely on the one who can actually give it to me - THE LORD! 

Strength and courage requires me to trust in the Lord with all my heart.

Strength and courage requires me to walk in the wisdom that the Lord gives to those who ask for it. (James 1:5)

I’m in desperate need of help from the Lord. Where His strength is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Meeting me in my weakness to actually lay this thing at the altar with His supernatural strength to HELP and GUIDE me to lay it down. I’m talking about laying my mistrust down on the altar, leaving it there, and allowing Him to consume it completely. Laying down on the altar the need to seek out my own understanding - and instead, picking up the need to seek Him to impart the understanding that I am searching for. 

I really just want this thing to come easily to me, but I know that’s not how it works. Anything gained easily is not worth keeping because there was no fight to get it in the first place. And who said I have to fight for it on my own? I know a God who fights for me and His name is Jesus!