When The Wound Won't Heal

I had been bursting at the seams with so much unforgiveness, resentment, and frustration towards my dad. I remember when Miles was 7 months old, and I was watching him take a nap in our bed. That’s when God brought it to my attention. Honestly, I had been in denial about it, like “Who me?! Have unforgiveness? NEVER!” — Wrong, because I promise I thought I had forgiven him and was fine, but that was NOT the case.

Motherhood is HARD, and at that time, I just came to the end of myself in how frustrated I was with the emotional roller coaster with my dad. I thought I had forgiven my dad for everything he’s said, the things he hadn’t said, his actions towards me or lack thereof, and even towards his grandkids. But there I was crying because the Holy Spirit just revealed how much I had been holding on to.

It amazes me how, when you become an adult yourself, you see eyes wide open how your parents are, well, how they’ve always been. You see eyes wide open that they didn’t always have it all together and that they were just doing what they thought was best and necessary, even based on how they were raised and parented themselves. I found myself (and still do at times) in constant frustration with my dad. Even when I don’t talk to him, I think about it, but it’s been worse when I do talk to him or see him. I instantly get annoyed with him because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he’s going to have something to say, some sort of unsolicited parenting advice, or just something that’ll instantly piss me off because I allow it to and because he knows the things that will get under my skin. This has been a constant struggle in my adult years, and every time it happens, I fall back into the same habits and mindset of frustration.

I am not afraid to admit that I am easily offended when it comes to my dad. I instantly get stressed out, my body tenses up, and I always brace for some sort of impact — big or small. It has literally become a conditioned response. He’s one of those people who I believe believes he has the answer to everything and no one else can be right. And in my flesh, my weakness, I have had this burning desire to go toe-to-toe with him to prove that he’s not always right.  And in those moments where I choose not to say anything, or the Holy Spirit grabs hold of my tongue, I get frustrated then, too. But I know deep down inside that me wanting to say something back to him only comes from a place of anger and wanting to “shut him down,” and that’s the absolute wrong heart posture to have about it.

You see, I had always thought he and I had a pretty good relationship up until I realized we didn’t, and that realization has shaken me to my core. In fact, it has come out more frequently in motherhood for me now, having two kids of my own. The most recent encounter with him brought me to this place of lack and rejection. There have been a few times that I was asked if we would be having another baby because he wanted a granddaughter — rejection. Have I ever expressed this to him, you ask? Well, no, I haven’t, and I’m not sure if I will or should. The place of lack felt like him trying to pick up the missing pieces that he and I had in our father-daughter relationship. And so whhat we lacked, he would then try and pick up the pieces, or start over with this granddaughter he inquired about.

For the longest, I have had this burden to try and change him, I’ve had family members tell me they believed that I was the only one who could get through to him. And I tried … but I was met with resistance … and what felt like rejection. I’m working on completely surrendering that burden over to the Lord because I know it’s too heavy a burden for me to try and shoulder on my own. My focus now needs to be on my household, and even here, there are some things that I have tried to control and change, but there’s a lesson in that, too. I cannot control anyone but myself; the only thing I can do is influence change. I can only focus on my behaviors, my attitude, my thoughts, and my emotions towards him. Because what I want is total and complete healing, what I want is freedom and total forgiveness. What I want is to be able to be around my dad and not instantly tense up, to not feel like I have to respond to everything he says, to not sit in the place of offense anymore. And if there’s something I do need to say, I want the Holy Spirit to help me to discern when, what, and how to say it.  I want it to be Spirit-led and not emotion-led. I desperately want that little girl on the inside to be healed completely. She deserves it!

For now, my prayer is that God will help me see my dad the way He sees him and to love him the way He loves him without keeping a record of wrongdoing.

How can a wound heal if you keep picking at the scab? How can forgiveness take place if you continue to find ways to sit in unforgiveness?

“ Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” ~ Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (NLT)