A Lesson in Friendships

Overall, over the last two years, the Lord has revealed Himself to me as the God of Entrances and Exits, particularly in the area of friendships. As long as I can remember, friendship has been a bit of a sweet sore spot for me, and like any person, I’ve had my share of ups and downs in friendships. God also revealed to me through one of my best friends that I had begun to make an idol out of friendships, so He came for it - FULLY SWINGING!

I am a very loving and caring person, especially when it comes to those I call my friends. This last year has shown me that not everyone deserves, or even needs, that title. I’ve never been one to scream out “No new friends”, in fact, I’m the quite opposite. I welcome people into my life like a cake walk, and I have no shame in admitting that. Yet and still, the Lord came for that too. I’ve come to understand that my perception of what a friend is, versus what others consider a friend, is drastically different. The word is used very loosely, almost like the word love. But when I love, I love hard, and when I friend, I friend just as hard. Again, a sweet sore spot for me.

I recently learned to compartmentalize my relationships with people, that is, categorizing each one in a way that makes sense in relation to where they fit in my life. Some are extremely close to me, and then there are those that are simply acquaintances. I don’t necessarily have a blooming and blossoming relationship with acquaintances, but they are people with whom I don't mind having a conversation or being in the same room. I can know an influx of people and not feel bound to calling everyone friend or even receiving people calling me their friend. That’s another thing that tends to mess with me, if someone calls me a friend I take it heart, I take the title very seriously. But again, I believe the word friend is used loosely, not sure I’d say a term of endearment - at least for me, but maybe some people don’t feel that way about the word. Of course, everyone is titled to their own opinion and I’m not saying my thought process around it is the end all be all. It’s just for ME!

I’m learning that I can be open to new relationships and still guard myself from being set up for disappointment due to unmet expectations. And yes, absolutely, communicating expectations is something I am actively learning about because I never thought it was something that I had to communicate. I’ve been thinking that people naturally would AT LEAST give the bare minimum of what is required of a friendship, and I’ve been met with the exact opposite of that. Sometimes I wonder how exactly do you communicate what you need in a friendship or relationship, only to be met with the inability to meet those very needs? If they don’t have the capacity or time, then what do you do? If they only desire the title of “friend” because it just sounds good … what do you do?

These are the things I often think on because I know what I bring to the table as a friend, and I know my own bandwidth and capacity. Have I projected my capabilities onto others? Absolutely, and it’s been a bit of a hard thing to break out of, but I’m doing it. The more people show me who they really are, the more I try to be content with just that. I’m not sure if I’d call it “meeting people where they are”, but I believe I try to honor them from a distance, love them from a distance, as my mother always tells me.

I can love and appreciate someone without feeling indebted to them for friendship. I can love and appreciate someone without the pressures of conforming to what it should or shouldn't look like. It’s literally letting it be what it is and not expecting anything from it. Does that mean I’m not open to change or evolution? Absolutely, I am open to it because I’ve learned that keeping your hands open at all times gives people the freedom to move as they please. If my hands are closed, I’m holding onto them, I’m holding onto something, and I’m trying to control and manipulate it - which isn’t fair. Everyone truly isn’t meant to be a friend and everyone isn't meant to stay a friend, and I’m learning to be okay with that. There is fluidity in friendships, in relationships - meaning sometimes people step forward and sometimes people step back whether it's willingly on their part or not. Life happens, people go through things, so this shifting and moving within friendships and relationships is really inevitable. At some point we have to be okay with that.

Friendships have also been a sweet sore spot for me in the place of rejection. This manifested itself in the form of people-pleasing and a fear of men. I can vividly remember being in high school, where I desperately wanted to be liked by people and had a strong desire for friends. I would do just about anything to keep them. I endured a lot of hurt, pain, and rejection in high school, which followed me through college and even post-college. I have had to put friendships on the altar actively, and the Lord helped me, too. I am grateful for the self-awareness he has given me in this particular area, as it keeps me from completely spiraling out. When you couple rejection, people pleasing, and fear of man with the love and care for friendships at the level I have experienced, I won’t call it a recipe for disaster - but I will say it’s a setup for a cycle of disappointment and constantly striving to be liked, to be seen, to be heard and valued. It’s set up to be in a cycle of staying relevant in people’s lives for no good reason, but out of selfishness and wanting to be liked.

Friendships are a big area that I’m learning to surrender over to the Lord, an area to actively pray and partner with Him on. Because I’ve learned that in my own strength, it never turns out how I want it to or how I expect it to. I’m learning that even friendship needs to undergo the process of sanctification by the Lord, because after all, he is the literal perfect example of friendship and what it should look like. He is the greatest friend we could ever have!

Remember, the people that are meant to be in our lives will always find a way because of the sovereignty of the Lord. Friendship is beautiful and sacred to Him, after all, we were never meant to do this thing called life alone.

1 John 5:21 (NLT), “Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.”

Romans 5:10-11 (NLT), “For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.”